Self-defeating behaviours

Have you ever found yourself doing exactly the opposite of what you promised yourself you’d do? Or sabotaging your own chances of success in a job or in a relationship? Or noticing patterns of behaviour which move you further away from your goals? It might seem that it’s someone else’s fault, but more likely it’s to do with your own self-defeating behaviours.

Self-defeating behaviors often arise from unmet emotional needs in childhood. There are five primary emotional needs:
1. Secure attachments encompassing safety, stability, nurturance, and acceptance.
2. Autonomy, competence, and identity.
3. Freedom to express genuine needs and emotions.
4. Spontaneity and playfulness.
5. Realistic boundaries and self-regulation.

Common self-defeating behaviors include:

- Emotional Deprivation: Seeking attention, affection, and understanding but feeling a lack of consistent emotional support, leading to heightened neediness and sensitivity to rejection.
- Vulnerability: Over-reliance on family approval, hindering confidence outside the family circle and causing fear of failure or harm.
- Subjugation: Suppressing personal needs to gain love or approval, resulting in self-censorship, anger, and invalidation of one's desires.
- Perfectionism: Setting excessively high standards to seek parental approval, leading to pressure, a relentless pursuit of excellence, and undervaluing personal achievements.
- Princess Syndrome: Feeling entitled, superior, or exempt from social norms due to an upbringing of indulgence or lack of boundaries.

Do you resonate with any of these self-defeating patterns?